Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Morning, everyone! Yesterday was my 200th post on this blog which was a super cool milestone for me to make on a personal note so, I figured what better way to celebrate than to force myself to sit through a movie that would, without a doubt, be one of the most asinine things I’ve ever watched. Enter last year’s effort by Michael Bay to revamp the most righteous mutant crimefighters possibly of all time. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was everything I expected it to be. Now, having said that, let me just say I’m gonna try my absolute GD hardest not to lambast this thing. If you’re into Michael Bay, this movie’s definitely for you. It’s got a lot of his trademark moves, looks fantastic when it’s not dizzyingly obscured, and has enough action to make you wanna switch to foreign dramas for a while. I, on the other hand, am not a huge fan of his. But, unlike many, I don’t hate the guy, you know? I just think he just makes a lot of odd choices.

Now, take in what I just said and imagine my shock to find out that this movie wasn’t done by Michael Bay. Last year’s TMNT was, in fact, directed by Jonathan Liebesman of Wrath of the Titans fame. I know. I was shocked. The film was written by the team of Josh Applebaum and Andre Nemec. These dudes had a run as tv writers in the early 2000s and, before TMNT, they wrote Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol and have written this year’s sequel to TMNT. Michael Bay produced this movie and sure, it’s entirely possible that someone maybe wanted him to have more say in the filmmaking process than he normally should have but holy shit. The fact that a team of other people actually made this movie and it looks just like his is mind blowing to me. I had no idea there were this many people out there who made movies like this. I feel naive saying that but it’s just so odd to me. But, okay. Enough on that. Let me try and get into this thing.

…Shit. I can’t do it, man. I’m sorry. This thing is just devoid of any substance. Which again, is fine if you’re a fan of Michael Bay or if you loved movies like last year’s Godzilla or Clash/Wrath of the TitansTransformers or anything else like that. Or like I said why I watched Escape from L.A. I understand that people see a movie because they like who’s involved with it, I do that very often and it’s extremely clear why it did well amongst fans of this stuff but, it’s just not for me. I was just a big mess. But! If you’re interested in checking it out for yourself, you can catch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles streaming on Hulu Plus. Come back tomorrow for my thoughts on what I think will be my favorite movie of the awards season, The Revenant. Thanks!

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